A Litttle Humor

[Brian S]

Don't know if this has been around yet.



Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

[WALLEYE MIKE]

You got that right. Add lawyers to that. Most politicians are lawyers to start with.

[Big Frank 25]

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that
will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69
Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to
condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The
density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per
acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is
14 inches. How many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers
with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch
length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When
the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow
with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of
the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a
steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given
the average traffic on secondary roads, what are the chances that
it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coalmine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area.
The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at
the beginning of
3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked
during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per
generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by
the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

[Big Frank 25]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three
finalists...two
men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of
the men to
a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you
will follow
your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this
room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!" The man said,
"You
can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said,
"Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and
go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun
and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man
came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The
agent
said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally,
it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her
husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard,one
shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded
with
blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

[chromium]

Funny jokes guys.

[pmtiny]

Beautiful, Beautiful

[Big Frank 25]

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time, so he got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all, and he went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming,would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize, but also the Pulletsurprise.

[dieseldude]

Im still laughing Brian, good joke!

[Joe_G]