Some John Kerry funnies

[kingfisher 11]

"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." - Jay Leno


"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man." - Jay Leno


"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal." - David Letterman


"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." - Craig Kilborn


"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will change his position on gay marriage and marry him." - Jay Leno


"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." - David Letterman


"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." - Jay Leno


"An Internet report claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman, but that she still loves him and will deny it. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" - Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live


"Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again." - David Letterman


"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will have to endorse John Kerry.'" - Conan O'Brien


"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." - Jay Leno


"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" - Jay Leno


"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his FIRST WIFE was worth around $300 million and his SECOND WIFE, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. His intern (with whom he supposedly had an affair) was worth several more million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" - Jay Leno


"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." - Jay Leno


"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is an ultra-liberal, ultra-wealthy white man who lives far, far away." - Dennis Miller


"The big winner on Super Tuesday was Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?" - Jay Leno


"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it will probably take another five years, but this is it." - Jay Leno

--------------------

[TC-fisherman]

Comedians on Bush

"If you've been watching the news at all, President Bush is traveling the country giving speeches on how well things are going in Iraq. He said there are schools opening every day. Okay, they are terrorist training schools but at least the kids are learning."
Jay Leno
"The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds - kind of like his stint in the National Guard."
David Letterman

"President Bush said we will not get directly involved in domestic and economic problems in Haiti. Of course not, Bush doesn't even get involved in domestic and economic problems here."
Jay Leno

"On Fox News today they said catching Osama bin Laden is just a matter of time. Yeah, election time!"
Jay Leno

"President Bush's dog Spot passed away ... so they took Spot back to the ranch in Texas ... and buried him next to, I believe, 10,000 Al Gore ballots."
David Letterman

"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it's different - his magic number is 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win."
Jay Leno

"There are rumors that Cheney will be replaced, but President Bush is very loyal. ... He's standing by him, but I don't know how sincere that is. I understand every day, Bush buys Cheney a large cheese and pepperoni pizza."
Jay Leno

"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since...President Bush."
David Letterman

"Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick?"
Jay Leno

"It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd."
David Letterman

"There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office."
David Letterman

"It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a 'warm reception' from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never met anyone who was sponsored by more oil companies than they were."
Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush spent a little time with National Guard troops training in Louisiana. In fact, when he arrived, the commanding officer said, 'Hey, you're a little late by about 30 years.'"
Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, President Bush attended the Daytona 500, how many folks enjoyed watching the Daytona 500? But President Bush left before the race was over, you know, like his National Guard duty."
David Letterman

"A retired National Guard commander says he remembers President Bush showing up there for duty back in the '70s. He remembers Bush because he used to come into his office, sit down, and read. However, payment records released by the White House say that could not have been President Bush. Just the fact that the guy was sitting there reading I think suggests the fact that it was not George Bush."
Jay Leno

"It's Valentine's Eve and in honor of that President Bush announced today that he is doubling the funding for abstinence only sex ed programs. Just because other people are doing it, doesn't mean you have to participate - kind of like National Guard duty."
Bill Maher

"Today the White House released all of the President's military records. They are divided into two sections, scorched and shredded."
Craig Kilborn

"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots."
David Letterman

"I love watching the White House press conferences, they're very enjoyable. I love watching talented journalists who spent their entire lives to get the point where they're in the White House press corps only to find out they're dictation machines where the White House will tell them what to say. But I'm watching it today and the strangest thing happened, today was the first press conference relevant since they released the President's Vietnam service record and suddenly, it's like there's a whole new attitude. I have just one question for the press corps: Where the f--- have you been? You're starting to ask questions now? Now? All of a sudden, they've got questions and it's about his Vietnam service. Guys, you're like eight wars behind. Hey! I heard there was a break in at the Watergate! You might want to check in on that!"
Jon Stewart

"Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry."
Craig Kilborn

"There was one kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush was asked if he ever went AWOL and he said, 'No no no, we have Earthlink.'"
Jay Leno

"How many of you saw President Bush with Tim Russert on 'Meet the Press' this Sunday? It was fascinating, he was on for a full hour and during his interview on 'Meet the Press,' President Bush said that Iraq could have 'nucular weapons.' 'Nucular weapons.' Or, even worse, nuclear weapons."
David Letterman

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield said Wednesday that he still believes we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. These statements used to make me angry, but now I just feel kinda sad for him. The way I feel when Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin."
Tina Fey