stelmon
10-05-2003, 01:47 AM
> LAWNS & GOD
>
> GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in
the
>world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the
dandelions,
>violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect,
>no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
>withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long
>lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of
songbirds.
>I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are
these
>green rectangles.
>
> ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The
>Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to
great
>lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
>
> GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't
attract
>butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental
>with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
>growing there?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow
it and
>keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and
poisoning
>any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
>
> GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
really
>fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
>
> ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little,
they
>cut it, sometimes twice a week.
>
> GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it
in
>bags.
>
> GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it
away.
>
> GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it
will
>grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
>
> GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut
back
>on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
saves
>them a lot of work.
>
> ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the
grass
>stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water
it
>so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
>
> GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was
a
>sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves
in the
>spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they
fall
>to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil
and
>protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form
compost
>to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
>
> ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have
drawn a
>new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great
piles
>and pay to have them hauled away.
>
> GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
>winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
>something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it
around in
>place of the leaves.
>
> GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the
mulch.
>
> GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St.
Catherine,
>you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?
>
> ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie
about..
>
> GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.
Francis.
>
> GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in
the
>world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the
dandelions,
>violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect,
>no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
>withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long
>lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of
songbirds.
>I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are
these
>green rectangles.
>
> ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The
>Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to
great
>lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
>
> GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't
attract
>butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental
>with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
>growing there?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow
it and
>keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and
poisoning
>any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
>
> GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
really
>fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
>
> ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little,
they
>cut it, sometimes twice a week.
>
> GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it
in
>bags.
>
> GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it
away.
>
> GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it
will
>grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
>
> GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut
back
>on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
saves
>them a lot of work.
>
> ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the
grass
>stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water
it
>so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
>
> GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was
a
>sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves
in the
>spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they
fall
>to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil
and
>protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form
compost
>to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
>
> ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have
drawn a
>new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great
piles
>and pay to have them hauled away.
>
> GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
>winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
>something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it
around in
>place of the leaves.
>
> GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the
mulch.
>
> GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St.
Catherine,
>you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?
>
> ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie
about..
>
> GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.
Francis.