In his Youth...

[Shoeman]

John (Gone Fishing), decided to do a little hitchiking through the countryside.
At the time, he was sporting the typical 70's hairstyle that many of us had, when an 18 wheeler came flying by. The trucker locked them up and came to a "smokin' halt".
John thought it was quite funny, since he knew that the trucker thought he was female. :D
He approached the truck and said, "I bet you thought I was a woman, didn't ya?"
The trucker replied, "I don't care, I'm gonna screw ya anyway". :eek:

That's 2...

[ESOX]

ZIIIING.
This is getting good.:)
You guys know how to make a cold winters morn not seem too bad.

[Gone Fishing]

I have got to get out in the garage and get some work done today but before I go:

One day Shoeman dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Shoeman: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... You a drinkin' man?
Shoeman: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Shoeman: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Shoeman: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer no biggie --you're already dead, remember?
Shoeman: Wow...that's....awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Shoeman: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Shoeman: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose . . . that's right you're dead - who cares! OD!!
Shoeman: Wow! I never realized Hell was such a swinging' place!
Demon: You gay?
Shoeman: No.....
Demon: Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays.

[bounty hunter]

LMAO :D :D :D

[Shoeman]

A few years back, Esox, SFK and Gone Fishing were working at a plant that makes breast implants. The boss left early one day and the three of them put their heads together. Since the boss was gone, they decided to leave early as well.
Esox and SFK went to a local watering hole and John planned to surprise his wife with flowers and a bottle of wine.
Upon his arrival at the house, he noticed a strange car in his drive. He proceeded to walk in the house and was astonished when his boss was in the bedroom with John's wife.

The next morning SFK and Esox were laughing about getting away with skipping work. John was rightfully quiet, but shared a few laughs.
At lunchtime the boss left again and SFK and Esox said they should skip out again. Gone Fishing said he couldn't join them, because he almost got caught yesterday.


:eek: :eek:

[Gone Fishing]

OK, I really have to get some work done but I can't resist just one more.;)

Shoeman, SFK and ESOX were charged with a crime and sentenced to be put before the firing squad. The three guys, being friends, were talking before the execution trying to come up with a plan to get out of this horrible situation.

Suddenly ESOX exclaims "I got it!!!, just follow my lead!!"

So the executioner comes over to the three guys and asks who would volunteer to be the first before the firing squad. ESOX raises his hand and says that he likes his friends too much to see them shot so he volunteers to go first.

The executioner puts the blindfold on ESOX and then yells out to the firing squad:
"READY!!"
"AIM"...
Suddenly ESOX yells "EARTHQUAKE!!!" The men are distracted and he runs away to safety.

SFK, getting the idea, volunteers to go second. Once again the executioner yells out to the firing squad:
"READY!!"
"AIM"...
and SFK yells "FLOOD!!" The men are distracted and he too runs away.

Shoeman finally understands and he is put before the squad

The executioner yells...
"READY!!"
"AIM!!"...
And Shoeman, having planned carefully, yells out "FIRE!!!!!"

:D

OK Shoe, I'll check back later to see your progress!:p

[Shoeman]

ROTFLMDO.

That's great....:D

[ESOX]

Best one yet! :D

[Scarletwing]

SFK, Shoeman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage on a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. There was the sound of a loud kiss and then sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and
the SFK were sitting as if nothing had happened and Shoeman had his hand against his face rubbing a large, red welt.

Shoeman was thinking, SFK must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking, 'Shoeman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed SFK and got slapped for it.'

And the SFK was thinking, 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Shoeman bastard again.'


Sorry guys, I couldn't resist!

[Shoeman]

Wow, this is toooo wild
I just posted the same joke on the French Boycott thread.....

[Shoeman]

Gone Fishing, drunk again, walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. John immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[Shoeman]

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
Cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.

[Gone Fishing]

I'm sure not getting much work done in the garage. One more and back to work!

ESOX, SFK and Shoeman are candidates for the priesthood and are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test:
The Celibacy Test.
The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's privates. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around ESOX.
*Ting-a-ling*
"Oh, Paul," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness". ESOX leaves.
The dancer continues, dancing around SFK, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
*Ting-a-ling*
"Clay, Clay," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."
The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of Shoeman. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.
"Ralf, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."
*Ting-a-ling-a-ling*

:D

[Shoeman]

John is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.

A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting
drunk?"

John: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

John: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

John: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

John: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

John: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

John: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

John: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

John: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

John: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

John: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

[chromium]

Too Funny..............I'm dying laughing.

Steve, we need to rename this forum to the
"Comedy (At your Expense)" forum.

[Shoeman]

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and SFK, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

SFK then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go **** herself."

[Scarletwing]

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy

Scarletwing was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered (Shoeman).

He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that Scarletwing could not help but stare.

The man noticed that he was the object of Scarletwing's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, Scarletwing prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.

"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty dollars. There's just one condition..."

Trembling with anticipation, Scarletwing asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

Scarletwing gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. Scarletwing scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. Scarletwing leaned over and whispered into his ear...


"Clean... my... house."

[Shoeman]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman (ESOX) who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" Paul replies.

"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes Paul - clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

:eek: :eek: :eek:

[thousandcasts]

After a hard day of slaying smolts and perusing the official website of Pete Townsend, Phlyphisher decided to make a quick stop at Club 37 before setting about on the task of laquering his rod.

Once in the establishment, he flits up to a bar stool and with a noticeable lisp, says :"I'd like to order a Shirley Temple"

"Hey buddy, This aint that type of bar" The Bartender says. "I don't serve your kind in here!"

"But please...I'm famished!" Phlyphisher pleaded. "Just give me one little shirley temple to wet my whistle."

"No!" The Bartender said. "If I give you one, then words gonna get out and I'll be ruined around here...this is Baldwin, pal, NOT Saugatuck!"

"Listen," Phlyphisher cooed, "If you give my Shirley Temple, I won't tell anyone and I'll sneak back to that booth in the back and no one will see me drinking it!"

The bartender finally agreed, gave Phlyphisher the Shirley Temple and made him sneak back to the farthest booth. A few minutes later, a huge Paul Bunyan looking lumberjack came in and stomped up to the bar.

"I'm thirsty!" The lumberjack roared and slammed his fist into the counter top. "Bartender...give me a bottle of Whiskey and make it snappy!"

The Bartender gave him a bottle and the lumberjack gulped it down...he didn't stop until the bottle was empty. Afterwards, he slammed the empty bottle down, threw his head back and roared again.

"Oh yeah!" He screamed. "After a hard day of choppin logs, I'm so horny I could screw a cow!"

At which point, Phlyphisher jumped up from the back booth and said: "Mooooooo! Mooooooo!"

:D

[Gone Fishing]

Thanks Scarletwing, I really needed the help and SKF hasn't even found out I took a poke at him too.

Shoeman, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"
Shoeman thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"
"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer," replied Shoeman, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Shoeman’s answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Shoeman in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Shoeman answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Shoeman’s fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Shoeman.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Shoeman explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot *****hole?"
Shoeman said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"

[stelmon]

THanks for the 20 minutes of laughs guys. Now if only I could find a good one:D

After a sucky day at work, things are better:)

[quix20]

Originally posted by Shoeman


What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman

shouldnt this one be first???

[ESOX]

Those are all really good. I am unarmed, all my good ammo comes from here...... I had best get searching.
LOL

[Gone Fishing]

ESOX, I 'm about out of ammo! OK Shoeman, Uncle, I give, white flag, I surrender! I had better quit before SFK joins in on the fun! It's been fun but my wife is looking at me like I have a bigger problem than she originally thought! :p

[Shoeman]

John, I'm not your problem.

Talked to SFK earlier and he was engaged in a "chicken dance"

The best is yet to come.

Now for a nominal fee, I may be able to reduce the impact. :D

Your wife will be the least of your problems.

:p :cool:

[Gone Fishing]

Do you think this whole thing was a bad idea? Seeing how I'm about out of ammow, I'm starting to think so!;)

[phlyphisher]

One fall day, thousandcasts was walking down to the Tunk Hole on the Big Manistee when he noticed something off of the trail that led to the river. He walked over to investigate and found a naked man that was tied face down to a large fallen tree.

Immediately, Steve ran over to see what was going on. “What happened to you,” Steve asked as he placed his fishing rod and bag down on the ground.

“Well, I was fishing down there by that nice big gravel bar and hooking salmon every so often, when these snaggers came by and dragged me up the hill, took all of my clothes, stole my fly rod and vest, and tied me up!” the man said.

Said Steve as he was loosening the suspenders on his waders and unzipping his fly, “Boy, this just ain’t your day now, is it?”

[stelmon]

My mom would kill me is she seen the jokes I am reading:p

[Gone Fishing]

Just wait till SFK gets in on the fun. Things could get ugly! :p

[thousandcasts]

"Said Steve as he was loosening the suspenders on his waders and unzipping his fly, “Boy, this just ain’t your day now, is it?"


Joe, I'm suprised that you would divulge the events of how we first met! LOL! :eek: :D