wyldkat49766
05-15-2008, 08:27 PM
Talking The crap List
THE GHOST crap
The kind where you feel crap come out, see crap on the toilet paper, but there's no crap in the bowl.
THE CLEAN crap
The kind where you feel crap come out, see crap in the bowl, but there's no crap on the toilet paper.
THE WET crap
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE crap
This crap happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to crap some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE crap
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead crap". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN crap
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG crap
The kind of crap that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER crap
The kind of crap you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD crap" crap
The kind where you want to crap, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS crap
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID crap
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD crap
A clbutt all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This crap is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This crap occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL
This crap occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS crap
A crap so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK crap
This crap has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" crap
This is any crap created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A crap so huge it cannot exit without vocal buttistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this crap has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER
A crap which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM crap
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO crap
Now you see it, now you don't. This crap is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A crap that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to crap (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near crapting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny crap which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC crap
This crap occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the "Drinker's crap."
THE BACK-TO-NATURE crap
This crap may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the pbuttenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN crap
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T crap.
PREMEDITATED crap
Laxative induced doesn't count.
crapZOPHERENIA
Fear of crapting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER Vs DURACELL crap
Also known as a "Still Going" crap.
THE POWER DUMP crap
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER crap
This kind of crap is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log crap.)
THE SPINAL TAP crap
The kind of crap that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY buttHOLE" crap
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap craps. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE crap
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" crap
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" crap
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" crap
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin’ and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" crap
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
ALBINO crap
The only explanation to this crap is there must times when your body is completely depleated of melanin and it extracts all the pigments out from your last meal, leaving an almost white crap.
PENCIL crap
This is a long skinny crap (like the snake charmer) but it is straight and often yellowish in color.
CANCER SCARE crap
You look down into the bowl and see all this red colored crap and think, "God, my colon has lesions that are bleeding!" Then you remember you had beets last night.
DOG crap
Yep, looks just like a fleshy dog crap.
DAIRY QUEEN crap
The effect is a nightmare, it circles to the left and quickly escalates to a perfect cone shape and then surprise (like the porridge crap); it's on your butt lips.
CUBE crap
Seems topologically impossible, but perhaps once in a lifetime you will get cube like craps about the size of ice cubes - worth a polaroid!
THE "DID I DRINK A BOTTLE OF ACID?" crap
Think of taking salt, alcohol, and iodine, cutting your eye open, and rubbing it in the open cut; this is what your butthole feels like as a runny yellow substance squirts out. (Much worse than liquid crap!)
CHAIN LINKED crap
Did I eat invisible string? One continuous crap, with numerous pieces apparently connected by some magical force - also called a "sibling crap"
GUEST BOOK crap
This may be different for each and every one of us, but to the individual, this crap is so monumental, that a party is thrown and a guest book signed to witness this spectacle. If deemed great enough it could even become a "Guinness Book of Records crap"!
YAWN crap
This is a chain reaction type crap; once on person goes crap, several other people must go immediately after the first. Scientists believe this contagious phenomena is olfactory induced.
MIGHTY MOUSE crap
You feel like you have a ton of crap to put into that toilet, you sit down, crap one or two little craps, and are done. You feel great, like you are 10 pounds lighter! Could that crap have had a black hole particle in it? Makes you wonder.
TAG crap
Your it! This crap has so much curve and tensile strength to it, that before it is totally released, it actually comes back around and touches your cheek.
SCARED crapLESS crap
Almost never happens on the toilet. Not just your underwear, but your pants should be destroyed as well!
WATER crap
Did you ever wonder if your intestines and colon shut down sometime before you drank that last glbutt of water? Now you know what a woman feels like every time she pisses.
DESERT STORM crap
Am I eating too much bran or did someone shovel sand into my mouth last night while I was sleeping? Granular sand like crap that can actually form sand castle like tower structures if expelled on dry land.
MOSAIC crap
A dozen or so relatively small craps that are recognized by their unique individual colorations and floating quality. Like clouds, you can often "see" figures or objects in them.
PLEASURE crap
Sometimes you have a crap that is so good it feels better than sex. Beware, if this happens more then once a week, you may have had improper toilet training as a child.
ALMOST MUSICAL crap
The sounds made when your crap started to come out; you swore you heard the beat to Aerosmith's "Walk This Way" in there.
THE JACK THE RIPPER crap
The kind of crap that tears all the hairs off your butt as it comes out.
THE BORN AGAIN crap
The kind where it hurts so bad you think you have found God. Often very dry, granular and about 5 inches in diameter.
THE SNEAKY crap
You have the biggest crap but when you go to the restroom it doesn't come out. And you think you are going to be there all day, so you pull up your tighty whitey's and go back outside. But a few minutes later you start craping in your pants like HELL!!!!!
THE PROCRASTINATOR'S crap
You put it off so long that when sit down, you blow a hole through your pants.
THE GASEOUS crap
When you swear your going to blow something like a power dump, but ends up being two super propelled poop pellets followed by a huge explosive aftermath of methane gas.
THE KITTY crap
The crap that after your finished it makes your clothes smell like cat crap.
THE BOMBARDIER crap
When you stand up on the toilet rim and squat in the air and say "Bombs Away" and the turd drops from your butt into the commode and splashes nasty crap water everywhere just as you say "BOOOOM".
THE SNICKERS crap
Packed with peanuts.
THE CHAMPAGNE crap
This is the kind of crap were you sit down, wait a while and then It happens. One, sometimes two "cork" peices come out and then your butt explodes with a foam like crap. This ussually results in the toilet water changing from a clear color to a dark brown.
THE WINDEX BOTTLE crap
When you have the runs and while squirting the crap you fart and spray it all over the insidde of the toilet.
THE ALKA-SELTZER crap
When the said crap bubbles, fizzes and foams when it hits the water.
THE AROMATIC crap
The kind of crap buttisted by air freshener. The smell just overpowers your bowels causing Turd-Paste* erupt from your butt.
(*Turd-Paste = A crap that is loose yet congealed to a semi-solid form. Diarrhea like but it has a uniform consistency.)
THE SPUD GUN crap
When you crap out a spud gun shaped log and it comes out so fast it makes a whoosh ker-plunk sound.
THE FACE THE MUSIC crap
When you are crapting at a small, quiet, cramped apartment and you know that there is an earth shaking fart that is going to come out before the crap.
THE AMAZING crap
This is a crap that once you make it you sit there and enjoy the smell because to you it smells great (yes a crap can smell good is it wrong?) but nobody else agrees.
THE SNEAK ATTACK crap
The type of crap where your minding your own business when all of a sudden "Boom!" You find yourself with a load of Trouser Chili.
THE 360 crap
When you stand to take a piss, and abruptly have to spin around and sit in a hurry to crap.
THE TITANIC crap
A crap thats so big when you flush the toilet it sticks out of the water and the end breaks off.
THE HELL OUT YOUR butt crap
The crap 2.5 seconds after eating hot wings.
THE DOUBLE DUMP crap
It is that rare occasion when after a gratifying major crap and a relaxing pause prior to paperwork, another unexpected but entire crap happens leaving one almost out of breath, feeling slightly hollow inside and almost intoxicated with a satisfaction of true accomplishment. Perhaps best appreciated by the middle aged portion of the population, this event can be celebrated and euphoria extended by going directly to the couch for a nap.
THE 7UP crap
This is the time when you're on the john and can't crap and like a gift from god you let out a long turd and you look in the pot and there is the turd, but there are a bunch of little bubbles on the turd making it float.
THE FLAMMABLE crap
crap that's highly flammable. It's very difficult to identify, unless you happen to be smoking on the toilet.
THE CLONE crap
When you're crapting at a gas station, and your crap looks exactly like the crap that was in the toilet when you got there.
THE TELEGRAPH crap
When you're sitting someplace, and you have to crap, and it feels like the crap is reaching out of your butt and tapping your underpants many times at regular intervals.
THE PERFECT crap
When you sit down on the crapter, let her loose and it comes out so damn perfect that there is no need to wipe your butt. very rare and can brighten your day.
THE MASTER crap
You crap several small logs, then one large one. When you're done you look into the bowl and it seems the smaller ones are afraid of the larger one, since they seem to be clinging to the opposite wall of the bowl.
THE "GOVERNMENT" crap
The Kind of crap where you have to go so bad, that you would pay $30,000 for a toilet.
THE "SCOUT" crap
The tiny balls that come right before a HUGE crap.
THE "RATCHET" crap
painless, but takes several tries.
THE "PARALYZING" crap
Makes you push so hard that it comes out with such incredible force, your butt recoils and crushes the bones in your back.
THE "DEATH WISH" crap
You don't crap for 2 days, while eating spicy wings, Taco Bell, mexican food, and chinese food. Then you crap so hard, fast, and sloppily, it takes 1 day to clear the smell out, and 2 rolls of toilet paper to wipe with. And hours of toilet scrubbing to get the skid marks off the bowl.
THE "WARY" crap
You're out in the woods taking a dump, you hear someone or something coming, and you swear the crap sucks back up into your butthole. Not pleasant.
THE GHOST crap
The kind where you feel crap come out, see crap on the toilet paper, but there's no crap in the bowl.
THE CLEAN crap
The kind where you feel crap come out, see crap in the bowl, but there's no crap on the toilet paper.
THE WET crap
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE crap
This crap happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to crap some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE crap
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead crap". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN crap
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG crap
The kind of crap that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER crap
The kind of crap you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD crap" crap
The kind where you want to crap, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS crap
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID crap
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD crap
A clbutt all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This crap is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This crap occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL
This crap occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS crap
A crap so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK crap
This crap has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" crap
This is any crap created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A crap so huge it cannot exit without vocal buttistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this crap has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER
A crap which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM crap
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO crap
Now you see it, now you don't. This crap is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A crap that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to crap (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near crapting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny crap which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC crap
This crap occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the "Drinker's crap."
THE BACK-TO-NATURE crap
This crap may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the pbuttenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN crap
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T crap.
PREMEDITATED crap
Laxative induced doesn't count.
crapZOPHERENIA
Fear of crapting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER Vs DURACELL crap
Also known as a "Still Going" crap.
THE POWER DUMP crap
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER crap
This kind of crap is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log crap.)
THE SPINAL TAP crap
The kind of crap that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY buttHOLE" crap
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap craps. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE crap
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" crap
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" crap
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" crap
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin’ and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" crap
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
ALBINO crap
The only explanation to this crap is there must times when your body is completely depleated of melanin and it extracts all the pigments out from your last meal, leaving an almost white crap.
PENCIL crap
This is a long skinny crap (like the snake charmer) but it is straight and often yellowish in color.
CANCER SCARE crap
You look down into the bowl and see all this red colored crap and think, "God, my colon has lesions that are bleeding!" Then you remember you had beets last night.
DOG crap
Yep, looks just like a fleshy dog crap.
DAIRY QUEEN crap
The effect is a nightmare, it circles to the left and quickly escalates to a perfect cone shape and then surprise (like the porridge crap); it's on your butt lips.
CUBE crap
Seems topologically impossible, but perhaps once in a lifetime you will get cube like craps about the size of ice cubes - worth a polaroid!
THE "DID I DRINK A BOTTLE OF ACID?" crap
Think of taking salt, alcohol, and iodine, cutting your eye open, and rubbing it in the open cut; this is what your butthole feels like as a runny yellow substance squirts out. (Much worse than liquid crap!)
CHAIN LINKED crap
Did I eat invisible string? One continuous crap, with numerous pieces apparently connected by some magical force - also called a "sibling crap"
GUEST BOOK crap
This may be different for each and every one of us, but to the individual, this crap is so monumental, that a party is thrown and a guest book signed to witness this spectacle. If deemed great enough it could even become a "Guinness Book of Records crap"!
YAWN crap
This is a chain reaction type crap; once on person goes crap, several other people must go immediately after the first. Scientists believe this contagious phenomena is olfactory induced.
MIGHTY MOUSE crap
You feel like you have a ton of crap to put into that toilet, you sit down, crap one or two little craps, and are done. You feel great, like you are 10 pounds lighter! Could that crap have had a black hole particle in it? Makes you wonder.
TAG crap
Your it! This crap has so much curve and tensile strength to it, that before it is totally released, it actually comes back around and touches your cheek.
SCARED crapLESS crap
Almost never happens on the toilet. Not just your underwear, but your pants should be destroyed as well!
WATER crap
Did you ever wonder if your intestines and colon shut down sometime before you drank that last glbutt of water? Now you know what a woman feels like every time she pisses.
DESERT STORM crap
Am I eating too much bran or did someone shovel sand into my mouth last night while I was sleeping? Granular sand like crap that can actually form sand castle like tower structures if expelled on dry land.
MOSAIC crap
A dozen or so relatively small craps that are recognized by their unique individual colorations and floating quality. Like clouds, you can often "see" figures or objects in them.
PLEASURE crap
Sometimes you have a crap that is so good it feels better than sex. Beware, if this happens more then once a week, you may have had improper toilet training as a child.
ALMOST MUSICAL crap
The sounds made when your crap started to come out; you swore you heard the beat to Aerosmith's "Walk This Way" in there.
THE JACK THE RIPPER crap
The kind of crap that tears all the hairs off your butt as it comes out.
THE BORN AGAIN crap
The kind where it hurts so bad you think you have found God. Often very dry, granular and about 5 inches in diameter.
THE SNEAKY crap
You have the biggest crap but when you go to the restroom it doesn't come out. And you think you are going to be there all day, so you pull up your tighty whitey's and go back outside. But a few minutes later you start craping in your pants like HELL!!!!!
THE PROCRASTINATOR'S crap
You put it off so long that when sit down, you blow a hole through your pants.
THE GASEOUS crap
When you swear your going to blow something like a power dump, but ends up being two super propelled poop pellets followed by a huge explosive aftermath of methane gas.
THE KITTY crap
The crap that after your finished it makes your clothes smell like cat crap.
THE BOMBARDIER crap
When you stand up on the toilet rim and squat in the air and say "Bombs Away" and the turd drops from your butt into the commode and splashes nasty crap water everywhere just as you say "BOOOOM".
THE SNICKERS crap
Packed with peanuts.
THE CHAMPAGNE crap
This is the kind of crap were you sit down, wait a while and then It happens. One, sometimes two "cork" peices come out and then your butt explodes with a foam like crap. This ussually results in the toilet water changing from a clear color to a dark brown.
THE WINDEX BOTTLE crap
When you have the runs and while squirting the crap you fart and spray it all over the insidde of the toilet.
THE ALKA-SELTZER crap
When the said crap bubbles, fizzes and foams when it hits the water.
THE AROMATIC crap
The kind of crap buttisted by air freshener. The smell just overpowers your bowels causing Turd-Paste* erupt from your butt.
(*Turd-Paste = A crap that is loose yet congealed to a semi-solid form. Diarrhea like but it has a uniform consistency.)
THE SPUD GUN crap
When you crap out a spud gun shaped log and it comes out so fast it makes a whoosh ker-plunk sound.
THE FACE THE MUSIC crap
When you are crapting at a small, quiet, cramped apartment and you know that there is an earth shaking fart that is going to come out before the crap.
THE AMAZING crap
This is a crap that once you make it you sit there and enjoy the smell because to you it smells great (yes a crap can smell good is it wrong?) but nobody else agrees.
THE SNEAK ATTACK crap
The type of crap where your minding your own business when all of a sudden "Boom!" You find yourself with a load of Trouser Chili.
THE 360 crap
When you stand to take a piss, and abruptly have to spin around and sit in a hurry to crap.
THE TITANIC crap
A crap thats so big when you flush the toilet it sticks out of the water and the end breaks off.
THE HELL OUT YOUR butt crap
The crap 2.5 seconds after eating hot wings.
THE DOUBLE DUMP crap
It is that rare occasion when after a gratifying major crap and a relaxing pause prior to paperwork, another unexpected but entire crap happens leaving one almost out of breath, feeling slightly hollow inside and almost intoxicated with a satisfaction of true accomplishment. Perhaps best appreciated by the middle aged portion of the population, this event can be celebrated and euphoria extended by going directly to the couch for a nap.
THE 7UP crap
This is the time when you're on the john and can't crap and like a gift from god you let out a long turd and you look in the pot and there is the turd, but there are a bunch of little bubbles on the turd making it float.
THE FLAMMABLE crap
crap that's highly flammable. It's very difficult to identify, unless you happen to be smoking on the toilet.
THE CLONE crap
When you're crapting at a gas station, and your crap looks exactly like the crap that was in the toilet when you got there.
THE TELEGRAPH crap
When you're sitting someplace, and you have to crap, and it feels like the crap is reaching out of your butt and tapping your underpants many times at regular intervals.
THE PERFECT crap
When you sit down on the crapter, let her loose and it comes out so damn perfect that there is no need to wipe your butt. very rare and can brighten your day.
THE MASTER crap
You crap several small logs, then one large one. When you're done you look into the bowl and it seems the smaller ones are afraid of the larger one, since they seem to be clinging to the opposite wall of the bowl.
THE "GOVERNMENT" crap
The Kind of crap where you have to go so bad, that you would pay $30,000 for a toilet.
THE "SCOUT" crap
The tiny balls that come right before a HUGE crap.
THE "RATCHET" crap
painless, but takes several tries.
THE "PARALYZING" crap
Makes you push so hard that it comes out with such incredible force, your butt recoils and crushes the bones in your back.
THE "DEATH WISH" crap
You don't crap for 2 days, while eating spicy wings, Taco Bell, mexican food, and chinese food. Then you crap so hard, fast, and sloppily, it takes 1 day to clear the smell out, and 2 rolls of toilet paper to wipe with. And hours of toilet scrubbing to get the skid marks off the bowl.
THE "WARY" crap
You're out in the woods taking a dump, you hear someone or something coming, and you swear the crap sucks back up into your butthole. Not pleasant.