Backwoods-Savage
04-28-2006, 10:31 AM
1) Pilot: “Folks, we have reached cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It’s a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
2) Airline attendant during safety demonstration: “There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”
3) Stewardess after a bumpy touchdown: “We ask you to please remain seated whilst Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
4) Loudspeaker announcement after landing: “Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
5) Attendant from same airline: “Welcome aboard. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. If you don’t know how to operate one then you really shouldn’t be out unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child with you, secure your own mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more”.
6) Pilot: “The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember.... nobody loves you or your money more than this airline”.
7) Stewardess: “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In an emergency water landing, please take one with our compliments”.
8) Pilot heard over loudspeaker during touchdown: “Whoa, big fella, WHOA!”
9) Flight attendant after rough landing: “Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our plane to the terminal gate”.
10) Stewardess: “As you exit, please make sure to gather your belongings.
Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among the attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses”.
11) Pilot: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.....sadly none of them are on this flight”.
12) Flight attendant: “ Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and his crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the terminal gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells stop, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal”.
13) Steward: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us”.
14) Stewardess: “Last passenger off the plane has to clean it”.
15) Loudspeaker announcement: “ I don’t know whether we landed or were shot down”.
16) Pilot “Welcome aboard flight 163 to New York, we shall be flying at agggghhhh ....oh my god!... oh no!..........sorry about that folks. I’ve just spilt my coffee, you should see the front of my trousers.”
Passenger - in response: “You should see the back of mine....!!”
AIR LINE STEWARDESS
An award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett’s 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS. “ The attendant replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these people first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out. “
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention please,” she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.” With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said “F*** You!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too”.
2) Airline attendant during safety demonstration: “There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”
3) Stewardess after a bumpy touchdown: “We ask you to please remain seated whilst Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
4) Loudspeaker announcement after landing: “Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
5) Attendant from same airline: “Welcome aboard. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. If you don’t know how to operate one then you really shouldn’t be out unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child with you, secure your own mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more”.
6) Pilot: “The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember.... nobody loves you or your money more than this airline”.
7) Stewardess: “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In an emergency water landing, please take one with our compliments”.
8) Pilot heard over loudspeaker during touchdown: “Whoa, big fella, WHOA!”
9) Flight attendant after rough landing: “Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our plane to the terminal gate”.
10) Stewardess: “As you exit, please make sure to gather your belongings.
Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among the attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses”.
11) Pilot: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.....sadly none of them are on this flight”.
12) Flight attendant: “ Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and his crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the terminal gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells stop, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal”.
13) Steward: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us”.
14) Stewardess: “Last passenger off the plane has to clean it”.
15) Loudspeaker announcement: “ I don’t know whether we landed or were shot down”.
16) Pilot “Welcome aboard flight 163 to New York, we shall be flying at agggghhhh ....oh my god!... oh no!..........sorry about that folks. I’ve just spilt my coffee, you should see the front of my trousers.”
Passenger - in response: “You should see the back of mine....!!”
AIR LINE STEWARDESS
An award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett’s 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS. “ The attendant replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these people first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out. “
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention please,” she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.” With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said “F*** You!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too”.