TrailFndr
01-28-2006, 03:47 AM
Here they are, folks... the annual DARWIN Awards!! The best one is
held for last. Yes, the GENE POOL IS polluted!! You can't make these
things up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy
Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their Snowmobiles.
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had
dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and
had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when
it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach,
on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their
way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It
took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him
while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth
(to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit
the floor.
According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23,
who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest
Berrena was wearing.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he
won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with
four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Honorable Mention (only because they lived): In Guthrie, Okla, in
October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede! with a shot from his
.22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole
and hit his pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out?
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his
wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in
their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the
dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would
happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
Runner Up (again, only because their best efforts to kill themselves
weren't quite good enough): TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been
drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who
had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of
traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 ? men trooped
along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint
of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His
fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at
the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water
and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham,
"is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no
other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
And The Winner: Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
(Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses
of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes
before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the
keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich,
46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the
relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's
unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he
struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant
continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn
police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay
under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and
during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those
freak accidents that proves that "**** Happens."
held for last. Yes, the GENE POOL IS polluted!! You can't make these
things up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy
Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their Snowmobiles.
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had
dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and
had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when
it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach,
on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their
way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It
took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him
while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth
(to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit
the floor.
According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23,
who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest
Berrena was wearing.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he
won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with
four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Honorable Mention (only because they lived): In Guthrie, Okla, in
October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede! with a shot from his
.22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole
and hit his pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out?
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his
wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in
their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the
dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would
happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
Runner Up (again, only because their best efforts to kill themselves
weren't quite good enough): TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been
drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who
had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of
traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 ? men trooped
along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint
of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His
fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at
the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water
and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham,
"is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no
other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
And The Winner: Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
(Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses
of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes
before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the
keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich,
46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the
relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's
unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he
struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant
continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn
police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay
under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and
during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those
freak accidents that proves that "**** Happens."